"Morton's Fork" - the rock and a hard place options for taxpayers

The expression "Morton's Fork" originates from a policy of tax collection.

It was devised by John Morton, who was Lord Chancellor of England in 1487, under the rule of King Henry VII. 

Morton's approach was that if the subject lived in luxury and had clearly spent a lot of money on himself, he obviously had sufficient income to spare for the king. 

Alternatively, if the subject lived frugally, and showed no sign of being wealthy, he must have substantial savings and could therefore afford to give it to the king. 

These arguments were the two prongs of the fork and regardless of whether the subject was rich or poor, he did not have a favourable choice. 

The phrase is rarely used these days as there is a more common analogy when someone has a dilemma and has to choose between two equally unpleasant alternatives. 

We tend to say that they are either "Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" or "Between a rock and a hard place".

The accountant with a special time clock

Years ago there was an unscrupulous accountant who always overcharged his customers. 

 He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours. 

He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours. 

 He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife. 

He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife. 

 The latter was his most proud accomplishment. Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later. 

He remonstrated with her “Dear why would you leave me? I have given you money, a fine house, companionship and a great love life!” 

She replied, “True, you have given me money and a fine house – although by ill gotten gains. Your companionship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!”

Are all accountants....?

When you start searching in Google you may have noticed that it often offers to complete your search string. 

In effect the system recognises and offers you the rest of what other people have searched for even if the words are in a different order. 

Here are some of the suggestions Google offered me recently by reference to the few words I typed in each case: 

Are all accountants.... 

.... the same?

.... boring?

..... alcoholics?

Why are most accountants.... 

.....female? (a surprisingly common question it seems, possibly related to the film industry where the accountants named in the credits are indeed invariably female)

....quitting?

Why don't accountants....

....make much money?

....have unions?

....get paid overtime?

Can accountants....

....certify documents?

....sign passports?

....get rich?

....work from home?

....be replaced by AI?

....have tattoos?

10 pop bands featuring accountants - or do they?

• Ledger Zeppelin 
• The Rolling Balances 
• Fleetwood Macroeconomics 
• The Balance Sheetles 
• The Fiscal Fighters 
• The Profit Margin Boys
• The Doublie Entry Bothers 
• The Black Eyed P&Ls 
• Cashabian
• ABBA (Accountants Balancing Books Always)

HOW strong is HMRC's case?

Years ago a senior official was talking about HMRC prosecution policy. He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong.

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case" he said. "So why did we lose?"

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know.

Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."

Money, Money, Money - fun quotes

 "There's money. And then there's MY money"

- Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
- Woody Allen

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money"
- George Burns

"One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have."
- Gerald Hurst,  

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

Accountants are so annoying (in rhyme)

He sits at his desk 

With his horn-rimmed specs 

Doing sums on a calculator 

And come rain or shine 

You know bloody fine 

There's a bill to pay sooner or later. 

He adds and subtracts 

And works out your tax 

Messing about with the figures. 

You've done fairly well 

So how in the hell 

Is that overdraft still gettin' bigger? 

Those accounts are too much 

It's all double dutch 

So you 'phone up for him to explain. 

But his office PA says 'haven't you heard' 

He's away in his office in Spain." 

Henry Brewis in the Farming Press. As reported in 'The Bottom line' by Vaines and Nuttall